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0:00
It's there.
0:00
Hello, hey.
0:00
Okay, so I may not be ringing your doorbell right now, but here I am doing the first-ever remote 73 questions via video with me with you.
0:33
It's a miracle of technology.
0:33
I've also never interviewed a world-renowned relationship therapist before and given the situation of things, I thought this could be appropriate.
0:33
You want to get a private session?
0:33
Is that what it is?
0:33
Yeah, yep, a total, totally private session for me, plus everyone else watching.
0:33
So the first thing I like to ask is, am I finding you safe and well right now?
0:33
Yes, very much so, thanks a lot.
0:57
That's great.
1:01
And what's the biggest ray of hope for you at the moment?
1:01
That I'd be able to touch my children again.
1:01
I'm kind of touch hungry.
1:01
Are you still seeing your patients at all?
1:01
More than ever, yes, I am working very hard and seeing a lot of patients at this moment.
1:01
Would you say there's a central or recurring theme that's coming from pretty much all of your clients right now?
1:01
I think that, you know, one theme is that people either feel that they are on top of each other 24/7, way too much together, craving space, and others who are longing for connection because there is too much space between them and their loved ones, or they don't have one close to them at this moment.
1:16
So that's probably the main tension I get now.
1:19
You became well-known for your TED talks on long-term relationships and intimacy and I checked recently, they have like 30 million views, which is so crazy, but how has your life changed the most since being in the public eye?
1:33
Well, I get to talk to you and go from my office to Vogue, that's a close, you know.
1:38
Well, this is definitely a big deal for me, that's for sure.
1:41
But what would you say is the biggest personal challenge that you find yourself going through at this moment?
1:47
I would say the challenge for me is how do I go back and forth between my fears and my hopefulness?
1:54
What's the most frequent question that pretty much every single person is asking you right now?
1:59
How to find a way to maintain the space between two people so that desire can continue to drive?
2:09
Hmm.
2:13
And are you making any particularly important observations about relationships in this moment?
2:15
I think that people are finding that here's the thing, every couple is going to either see the cracks in their relationship or every family, or they are going to see the light that shines through the cracks.
2:30
Hmm, okay.
2:34
Now, there's going to be plenty more advice questions later, don't you worry, it's coming back.
2:34
Tell me, it's there, what's the first thing that you did this morning?
2:38
I had my cup of coffee.
2:40
And what is one daily ritual that you recommend for everyone to try?
2:43
I think at this moment, we wake up, we put our feet on the floor, we keep them grounded, we open our chest and we breathe, breathe deep and we expand and we experience the spaciousness and the life inside of us.
2:58
And what were you doing the very second that I called?
3:01
I was working.
3:06
You're always working, I would imagine you're always working, is that right?
3:05
Always, but I'm not at this moment.
3:09
Yes, it helps me.
3:11
And is that where you get your work done right there in the kitchen, at this table, same spot?
3:15
Ah, two mothers, show me that kitchen.
3:18
What's in that kitchen?
3:20
My little tour.
3:20
Yeah, well, ah, here we go, that's nice, that's nice.
3:23
And what's a typical meal that you're preparing in that kitchen?
3:27
Way too many vegetables with olive oil and garlic.
3:29
I can't take it anymore.
3:32
And who is a historical person that you would resurrect to enjoy a meal in a kitchen?
3:38
Oh, the perfect person for these days is Albert Camus, who wrote The Plague.
3:40
That's a good answer.
3:48
And Estaire, what's your favorite museum in the home?
3:46
Boy in Germany.
3:48
What is your favorite film?
3:48
There is no such a thing.
3:53
I have many movies that I adore.
3:53
You're such a connoisseur, you don't have a favorite film.
3:58
Look at that.
3:58
And who is your favorite musical artist?
4:00
Oh, I think I grew up really with Johan Sebastian Bach.
4:08
Oh, good choice.
4:16
Now, Estaire, how would you describe you?
4:11
Intense.
4:16
I've read somewhere that you referred to as the patron saint of relationships, which is quite the name.
4:21
Would you say that you're a believer of this title?
4:23
I mean, dear, we should never take oneself so seriously.
4:27
No, okay, well, thanks for setting that record straight.
4:30
But do you think that there's any misconception that you'd like to clear up about you or what you do as a profession?
4:36
Being a therapist is a very lonely profession and every therapist gets to experience some of the same things as the people that they work with.
4:46
We are no different.
4:47
Yeah.
4:47
And what do you think is the biggest way that relationships will be forever changed because of this massive crisis that we're going through?
4:55
I think that the inability to touch, to come close to people is going to fundamentally alter, you know, in the fact that we have to walk with masks, we can't see faces, we can't really make the connections that we are used to make, we're going to have to learn a new language.
5:13
Mm-hmm.
5:13
It may be easy or difficult for people depending, but in what ways do you think this pandemic has shifted your own personal priorities or your own personal perspective?
5:13
I used to make plans for one or two years in advance, that is no longer the case.
5:13
No way.
5:13
No one needs their calendars right now.
5:13
Definitely know what that feels like, but um, what's the first thing that you want to do when you can make plans once this is over?
5:13
I'm going to go home in New York City and I hope to get on a plane very soon.
5:13
I feel you're not one, Estaire, so I did something weird recently.
5:13
I started reading War and Peace, apparently that's the thing right now.
5:13
But what do you recommend I do when I finish that book?
5:13
What should I read?
5:13
Nope.
5:13
I'm reading currently A Leaf Shafak, Ten Minutes, 38 Seconds in a Strange New World, but I'm also reading another book that's actually really, I think, very interesting for the moment because it's about a thousand adventures, big and small, it's called The Bucket List.
6:52
Okay.
6:58
And I never would read such a book, but really, since I can't go anywhere, I'm like just dreaming away.
6:58
Never has imagination been more important than right at this moment.
6:58
Hey, so tell me, Freud or Jung?
6:58
Jung.
6:58
Seinfeld or Friends?
6:58
I've never watched either.
6:58
You got to be kidding me, you haven't seen it?
6:58
I'm from here, sorry.
6:58
All right, I'll give you a pass.
6:58
What is your opinion on horoscopes?
6:58
When a horoscope reading is well done, it is inspiring, it's clever.
6:58
So you're a fan of horoscopes?
6:58
I love intuitive readings, coffee, mud, tea leaves, horoscopes, give it to me.
6:58
Okay, now Estaire, what do you say to people at this moment?
6:55
It depends on their situation and so many people watching this interview are going through their own unique thing obviously, but if I list a bunch of scenarios, are you okay to react to them and maybe offer some thoughts?
7:06
Let's go.
7:06
Okay, let's go, yeah.
7:09
So what would you say to a person who is living alone with their daughter and their son-in-law?
7:15
Keep your precious observations to yourself and try not to get involved in the other couple's dynamics.
7:24
And what would you say to a couple living together who are in the midst of a divorce?
7:29
You've got a task to accomplish, which means to deal with the confinement together.
7:35
How you currently are feeling about each other is no longer a priority.
7:38
And what would you say to parents who are at home having a home school while work at the same time?
7:44
I admire you.
7:46
I'm so glad I'm on a different stage.
7:48
It's tough.
7:48
What would you say to a long-distance couple having no idea when they're going to see each other again?
7:56
Use your imagination, people, use your imagination to maintain all the connections.
7:56
That most beautiful love poems have been written by people who never knew when they would meet again.
8:36
And what would you say to a person who lives in an environment where there's domestic violence?
8:53
As best you can, identify the resources that are local to you and that you can reach out.
8:53
Have code words so that people can know when you are in serious danger.
8:53
What would you say to that person who is completely alone right now?
8:53
Try to find two people, even from your past, from your history, that you don't know well from work, that you can reach out to on a daily basis.
8:53
And if you don't have those, make sure to look in their next-door neighbors and see who needs any help.
8:53
If you can help somebody, you will be useful, you will have purpose, and you won't be nearly as alone.
8:53
What would you say to a person who has a secret and torrid love affair with their food delivery person?
8:53
You're going to have to use your imagination there.
8:53
I'm asking for a friend.
8:53
How would you describe your scenario, Estaire, my own scenario?
9:01
Yeah, I am here.
9:03
I've never spent that much time with my husband in my entire 30-something years together.
9:08
It's been a treat, actually.
9:11
That's great.
9:11
That's, that's Jack, right?
9:13
That's Jack, indeed, yes.
9:15
Where is Jack?
9:15
Jack, make a cameo in this interview, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.
9:24
He's more shy than me, so I still get to participate, right?
9:24
Can you, uh, whoa, hiding behind a cake, actually, you know, he, he paints, you know, and when he needs to be, when you need this space, he closes his door and he goes into his own creative mind and that's where, that's how we manage still have space between the two of us because we're in a tiny place right now.
9:46
Well, whatever works for you guys, right?
9:46
Take a look at some of these paintings.
9:46
But what was the last thing that made the two of you guys laugh?
9:46
How much and how fast I fill up garbage cans and then refuse to empty them.
9:46
Very prosaic.
9:46
As long as that makes you guys laugh together.
9:46
Now Jack, there you are.
9:46
How long have you been painting for?
9:46
Oh, my whole life.
9:46
And Estaire, what's your favorite painting that Jack's made?
9:46
I mean, I know there are no favorite ones here, but I'm going to look at a couple of the more recent ones, you know, let's take a look, let's, let's get in there, Jess.
9:46
So here we are actually building a studio, and so it's very small paintings on paper right now and I know he's waiting to burst out on big canvas.
9:46
All right, Jack, get down a little bit on it, bring that in.
9:46
Let's take a look at your paintings there.
9:46
I like this one actually quite a bit too, that's nice.
9:46
Now Jack is a psychologist and a trauma expert that is constantly in each other's heads, how does it work?
9:46
It works like this, he deals with pain and I deal with pleasure and on occasion we meet.
9:46
Well, I guess that means you have a successful formula if you can celebrate your 35th anniversary together, congratulations.
9:46
Thank you.
9:46
Uh, Jackie, you just tilt the camera down just a little bit, thanks.
9:46
Now, what do you think is better for you guys now than say a decade ago?
9:46
Oh, we have basically stopped trying to change each other.
9:46
You stopped trying that, go a long way.
9:46
Uh, I know it's a shame that you guys are separated from your sons right now, what do you miss most about being around your sons?
11:19
Holding them, probably, yeah.
11:19
Now Jack, this is your opportunity to ask your wife a question, go for it.
11:27
How's it been being out in the country?
11:33
Yes, Estaire, the transformation will be complete when I learned to garden.
11:33
This is what's going to happen.
11:42
I mean, I'm the total urban person and here I'm going to be, you know, cultivating my little garden, my vegetable garden.
11:42
I would imagine now is a good time to get a green thumb, you know, right.
11:47
Well, Tells to say, everybody needs to be able to cultivate their own garden.
11:56
I approve of Kanto, this, don't rock that, this is what's going to happen, okay.
11:56
Make it, let's keep going, let's go in the other room.
11:58
All right, what, so what's teaching you right now, Estaire?
12:05
What's teaching me right now is I listen intensely to what people are telling me, to the dramas of other people's lives and I discuss it with a lot of colleagues.
12:05
I mean, I make sure that, you know, I'm supported by my own tribe.
12:19
What's confusing you at the moment?
12:33
What's confusing me, the fact that I have Trump and Fauci saying completely different things to each other.
12:33
What is inspiring you right now?
12:33
I'm inspired when I think that there is such creativity going on and that there will be life after destruction, as it has always been.
12:38
Mmm.
12:40
Now you grew up in Antwerp, Belgium, what do you miss most about, about there?
12:47
French fries, because they're not French.
12:47
No, an answer, if you call them palm sweet, right?
12:47
There's bone feet, the exacta mom.
12:47
I promise that I'm going to stop speaking French right now, but you often speak about being the daughter of Holocaust survivors, in what ways has their experience informed your entire worldview?
12:47
I think that this distinction between the difference about not being dead versus being alive and about how one maintains that erotic connection is the most important lesson from them.
13:16
Would you say that parents are the most influential people in our lives?
13:20
Yeah, definitely, they're among them.
13:26
Okay, we're going to switch gears, this is a big switching gears because I need to know, kittens or puppies?
13:26
Puppies.
13:33
Heels or flats?
13:30
Heels.
13:33
What are you binge watching these days?
13:33
I just watched Unorthodox.
13:35
Oh, that's a good one, Unorthodox.
13:38
Is it?
13:42
I'm going to be watching Normal People.
13:40
There's a lot of content to get through these days, but what do you consider to be the number one most important mental health practice right now?
13:49
At this moment, mutual support, mass mutual reliance, people reaching out to each other.
13:59
Has a new world that we're in changed any aspect of the conventional wisdom that goes into your field?
13:59
When, you know, we used to look at digital devices and think that they were keeping people apart, at this moment, they are actually being, bringing people together.
14:11
They really are.
14:11
And I would say that one of the other most important changes in relationships is that, is the experience of people not being able to accompany their loved ones in their final hours.
14:22
Yeah.
14:27
And what do you think is better equipped to cope, is it the people who've experienced trauma or is those people who haven't experienced trauma?
14:22
What would you say?
14:33
Could be both.
14:33
Some people have experienced trauma early around and they are well prepared for a world that is in chaos and disorder, and for other people, they have been too challenged and they cannot actually resist and cope in this moment, both ends.
14:48
Okay, now for people who equate self-care with self-indulgence, what do you say to those people?
14:56
Mistake, mistake.
14:56
There's two words, there's a reason for it.
14:56
Self-care is the ability to be able to basically cultivate your own awareness, your own needs and your ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.
14:56
And you alternate that with your attention to others.
14:56
It's I and you that make us.
14:56
Like so many people I talk to, I feel this pressure to do something with this experience, to transform it into something, what do you think is the best way for us to make good use of this dramatic event?
15:31
Look, I do think that there is a moment now where people are sharpening their priorities, but I also think that it's important to not always have this tyranny of having to look at the silver lining of learning something, of promoting growth to it, you know, there is a possibility of being able to just complain in this moment.
15:47
The good old pledge that just says, this is really tough, this is not the world that we ever imagined we would live in without constantly thinking that there is growth and and positivity to be drawn from it.
16:00
That's my point of view today, what's super insightful.
16:06
Now, Estaire, you and I may be on a video call, but I can still see the fact that you're wearing some pretty awesome jewelry.
16:08
Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's on your hands?
16:11
You, yeah, that's really, really great, these bracelets.
16:14
Oh, interesting.
16:15
And what is the significance for the story behind this bracelet?
16:18
I met a woman, her name is Jeff Feet, 23 years ago, the day I came out of the hospital with my baby on the street and we started talking and I've been wearing her jewelry ever since.
16:32
It's called Goldish, she's in New York City and I just loved the thought that I have this thing that accompanies me on my hand and it's become a timer, a type of a talisman for me.
16:41
Do you think that there's a connection between things like daily routines or the clothes that people wear that contribute to a general sense of positivity?
16:50
Yeah, we need to maintain routine, rituals and boundaries so that we can keep a sense of structure, a sense of predictability and a sense of hope.
17:05
Now, Estaire, you are not just known for having a distinguished career or completing an amazing amount of research, you also have some interesting trivia about you.
17:10
I found out that you went to America and you hitchhiked across the entire country for two months, huh, why?
17:18
What is the craziest thing that happened on that trip?
17:21
Man, I saw this country like I will never see it again because I just followed the kindness of strangers of all walks of life, you can imagine, you know, it's a long time ago and I just loved every minute of it.
17:32
I remember it in details.
17:40
I'd also find it very interesting that you speak nine language, which is it is, what would people say is most surprising language that you speak?
17:45
Yiddish.
17:45
Yiddish.
17:45
Yiddish.
17:45
Have you ever heard of Yiddish?
17:54
Of course I've heard of Yiddish, yes.
17:54
I mean, yo, yes, yo, yeah, that's all I know, it's just you, it's the only word I know.
17:54
No, no, yeah, no.
17:56
I don't need to broadcast the fact that you have two amazing podcasts in The New York Times bestseller, I think I just broadcasted it right there anyway, but what is the most important meaning that people derive from the work that you do?
18:13
I think that, you know, my motto is that the quality of your relationships will determine the quality of your life and for that you need a vocabulary to be able to access the difficult conversations with the people of your life and my work is about helping people do that and the podcast allows you to listen in on other people's conversations in where should we begin but then see yourself reflected in the mirror and then have the vocabulary to be able to have those difficult courageous conversations that we all desperately want to have.
18:51
So, Estaire, what is the next New York Times best-selling book that you're currently working on?
18:52
I'm not working on a book, I'm working on a documentary exploring the realm of sexuality.
19:00
Well, I'm excited to watch that when it's ready, but Estaire, this is a shame, we've arrived at question number 73.
19:03
I just want you to know though that you're not going to escape me asking for a little personal advice in my own current toward you at the beginning, you knew this was coming from the beginning.
19:16
Yes, I knew.
19:16
I'm waiting.
19:22
I'm not even going to say it's for a friend, this is clearly, I know somebody.
19:22
Okay, here we go, so what do you suggest I do if I'm living at home with my parents and they're subjecting me to going through bins of my childhood memorabilia in their basement in a perpetual memory lane that have books a scene out of Groundhog Day?
19:35
Hey, listen, I think that every, many, many people are in a state of regression at this moment, you know, people forgot that has been 10 years before between the last time that they lived at home, but I also think that what would be a unique opportunity is for you to ask them what are the moments that stand out them as parents when they raised you and the challenges and the celebrations and the glories and the pains because the day they're not there and if one day you have your own kids, you're going to really want to remember not just what it was like to be a child, but what it was like to be your own parent.
20:09
That is some personal advice right there, thank you so much, Estaire.
20:09
Mr. Little subdued to them.
20:09
Oh, I will.
20:09
And I want to thank you for doing this, it's incredible that we're able to have you and the subject material be a part of 73 questions and we did it, it's our first remote 73 questions, awesome, tralala.
20:09
Thanks a lot.
20:09
Hey, thank you, sir.