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0:00
Let me go right under your arms, okay?
0:00
Are you taking my blood pressure?
0:04
Taking all of it, Chelsie.
0:12
Yes.
0:12
I'm assuming this is a lie-detector test.
0:14
That's correct.
0:14
Okay, is your name Chelsea Handler?
0:16
Yes.
0:16
Is your middle name Joy?
0:20
Yes.
0:20
Were you born in New Jersey?
0:25
I was.
0:25
Are these yes and no or can I elaborate?
0:28
For now, it's yes or no.
0:28
Okay, we just need to calibrate the mission.
0:33
Okay, yes.
0:36
Are you ready to take a lie-detector test?
0:38
Yes, estoy lista as they would say in España.
0:45
Just so you guys know, I could take it in Spanish or English, it's up to you.
0:45
Let's stick to English.
0:45
Okay, no problem.
0:49
So the first category is your life.
0:55
Thank you.
0:59
As a teenager, you competed in the Miss Teen New Jersey pageant.
1:01
Is that correct?
1:04
Were fond memories?
1:04
Yes.
1:04
Did you win?
1:04
That was not a fun memory and thank you for bringing up.
1:11
No, I did that.
1:11
He came in top 15.
1:13
Were you in the pageant for world peace?
1:17
No, that wasn't an issue back then.
1:20
Were you in it for the money?
1:20
No, there was no money in it.
1:26
What were you in it for?
1:26
The recognition that I was beautiful and that I could use an entire bottle of Aqua Net on my head in one sitting and go out in a prom dress or a gown or whatever the I wore and kill it.
1:40
Obviously, the notes backward that I did not kill it, but I did come in top 15 and for that I am very proud.
1:48
I think that's worth being proud of.
1:51
Thank you.
1:51
Nobody asked you.
1:54
Moving on.
1:59
Just being in a beauty pageant mean that you faked and probably.
2:02
I doubt my parents paid for that though, so I don't know how I got tan.
2:08
I probably had to go outside.
2:10
Do you still fake tan?
2:17
Yes.
2:17
Do you think you look better with a tan?
2:17
Yes.
2:17
Obviously, everybody looks better with a little bit of a tan.
2:17
Okay, you too.
2:19
Do you think this men looks better with a tan?
2:25
That's not a tan, that's a burn.
2:25
An orange burn, that's when you get burned by an actual orange.
2:31
That sounds accurate.
2:37
Is my blood pressure going up because sometimes it does when I see photos of them?
2:35
It is a little bit heavy.
2:38
Yes.
2:38
Sorry, I'm sorry if the veins start popping out of my neck, I would like to take a break.
2:42
You also celebrated your Bat Mitzvah as a teen, correct?
3:07
That's more than most people celebrate their Bat Mitzvahs.
3:07
Do you remember your Torah reading?
3:07
My total reading?
3:07
Oh no, no, I don't.
3:07
Barely remember my Bat Mitzvah.
3:08
I was in a blackout.
3:27
Do you remember your outfit?
3:27
Yes, yes, I do.
3:27
It was cream, virginal, if you will.
3:27
That was the last time I wore white.
3:27
Am I telling the truth so far?
3:27
Exactly.
3:27
Thank you.
3:27
Was your Bat Mitzvah a hot invite in middle school?
3:27
Uh, it was the opposite of that.
3:25
It was in my parents' backyard and I don't recall having any friends there.
3:29
And then my parents took the money that everybody gave me from their friends.
3:34
I got envelopes of cash that I was so excited about and then they took all the money and kept it.
3:38
So that's what growing up in my house was like.
3:47
You worked as a waitress before, right?
3:44
Thank you.
3:44
That's correct.
3:50
Did you ever flirt to get a bigger tip?
3:52
Yes, yes, I did.
3:52
I've slept with people at restaurants so they weren't people that were gonna tip me, they were other people that worked at the restaurant that was you know when you could do things like that.
4:35
So did I flirt with people for a better tip?
4:35
Yeah, the answer would be yes.
4:35
Did I sleep with anybody?
4:35
I don't even think you asked that, did you?
4:35
I did not.
4:35
Okay, so let's rewind.
4:35
Answer.
4:35
Yes.
4:35
Well, we have that on the record now.
4:35
So, okay.
4:35
Did you ever spit in a bad customer's food?
4:35
Never.
4:35
I would never spit in anyone's food.
4:35
Well, that's not true, but I never did that as a waitress and people who do that are so stupid and petty.
4:35
The person doesn't even know that you spit in their food, so what's the point of that?
4:35
You catch my drift, girl?
4:35
Oh, I know where you're talking about.
4:35
That talk about passive-aggressive.
4:35
If I'm gonna spit, I'm gonna do it right in your face and say, hey, whatever you do to spend, you know, however that goes.
4:35
Do you ever drink someone's leftover hundred out?
4:35
I'm not into the leftover cocktails, that's kind of gross, but food is different.
4:35
If there are sections of the plate that have been untouched, you know, when people don't get to like three ravioli, the two are safe that are not in the frame, you know, with the sauce, if you can see untouched food, why not take a little potato gnocchi and pop it right into your mouth.
4:35
Can't pass up a ravioli.
5:03
You told Ellen in 2017 that you've never hooked up with a fan, but that was two years ago, so is that still true?
5:22
Yeah, I've never hooked up with a fan.
5:25
I don't think.
5:27
No, not like after a show or anything like that.
5:30
No, I haven't hooked up with a fan.
5:32
No, that's for men.
5:32
Men do that.
5:35
Have you ever hooked up with someone that you were a fan of?
5:42
Most of the people I've had sex with, I'm not, let me think, a fan of a famous person.
5:48
No, no.
5:48
I've only hooked up with men that I'm not fans of.
5:55
Is that true?
5:58
That's true.
5:58
You recently talked about how Donald Trump becoming president pushed you into therapy.
6:06
Does that mean you'll stop going to therapy once he's out of office?
6:11
I know it doesn't.
6:11
I remain in therapy sporadically for the rest of my life because I realize how helpful it is and I actually like to thank the Trump family, not that I will, but I would like to thank them for making me have a meltdown and having to go to therapy because I think that I'm a much better person for it.
6:30
I'm certainly much calmer than I used to be and I know how to take deep breaths now, so you know, I would thank them if they were human beings, but since they're not, I can't thank them, so whatever.
6:38
Does that answer your question?
6:41
I think that sums it up.
6:41
Excellent.
6:41
You've openly talked about working through your own daddy issues in therapy.
6:45
Do you think this woman has daddy issues?
6:49
Yes, yes, I do.
6:56
What about this woman?
6:56
She's got different.
7:00
Yes, she's got the same.
7:00
Yeah, you're right, they all have issues.
7:02
She's got daddy issues.
7:07
Do you think they have separate daddy issues?
7:07
Yeah, they have seven.
7:07
One's from being ignored and one's from having too much attention from the daddy and one's from no attention from the daddy, so you know how that goes.
7:18
You have two dogs, is that right?
7:19
That is correct.
7:23
Thank you.
7:23
Bertrand and Bernice, those were their birth names.
7:27
I didn't even have to name them that name those names and I would have those would have been my first top choice of names, Bertrand and Bernice, but now they're too came with the name, so obviously that was a connection and it was supposed to happen.
7:38
Have you ever called your dogs your children?
7:40
I hope not.
7:43
Stupid.
7:43
Do you think it's possible to love a dog as much as a person?
7:47
I don't know, for some people, I guess, but that's ridiculous.
7:53
A human being is a human being and a dog is not a human being.
7:56
It's close, but not quite the same thing.
7:59
Is there such a thing as having too many dogs?
8:03
Yeah, yeah, I mean, I think if it's things become unsanitary and you know what I'm catching that you know we're driving at, I should say, or and what you I need you to catch from what my I'm driving is dingleberries.
8:18
Is that something that came up earlier this morning actually with a friend?
8:22
Something I haven't thought about, but say that comes into the equation and your dog is carrying around little shits, qoodles and their little popsicle stick buckles and they want to spread those around the house, then you need to get one less dog.
8:32
That's where you draw the line or you couldn't stay brother but closed.
8:38
That's your call.
8:40
Now let's talk about your career.
8:40
One of the first shows you started was a hidden-camera reality show called Girls Behaving Badly.
8:49
Oh really, that's fun.
8:53
Thank you, I'm cute.
8:53
We are not, give me my tank top showing some skin, cute girls.
9:00
Yeah, I just had dinner with Sean Drahma the other night.
9:06
What's your next question about that?
9:06
Did the contestants on the show actually know they were being filmed?
9:06
Yeah, not initially.
9:06
Sometimes we'd have to redo things after to pick up and then they would be in on it and they'd have to play along, but in the first one, which was the main thing, no, they didn't know.
9:22
Do you enjoy watching reality TV?
9:24
Do you have another question that's answerable?
9:28
Okay, if things ever went downhill in your career, would you ever say yes to Celebrity Big Brother?
9:37
That's a hard no.
9:37
Hard no.
9:37
Is that true?
9:45
She is telling the truth.
9:49
What about Celebrity Survivor?
9:49
That's a hard no.
9:58
A hard no.
9:53
I'm trusting that it's also true and that's the same answer as your reality television question.
10:03
You should be ashamed of yourself.
10:02
Okay, I'm in my 40s, I don't have time for that jazz.
10:03
You've written five books.
10:03
Six.
10:10
You've written six.
10:10
Six books and they've all made the New York Times bestseller list, is that correct?
10:17
Yes.
10:17
Have you ever checked the list to make sure your book was still on there?
10:25
Yes.
10:25
You do that often?
10:25
You don't check the list, they send you the list if you're on it.
10:29
You don't find out that you're on it, they tell you you're on it like two weeks before and if they don't tell you, then you really need to get a new publisher.
10:47
Do you come up with your book titles yourself?
10:44
Um, some of them I have.
10:47
This last one was my brother, my best friend's husband, Michael Morris, Mary McCormick's husband, came up with Life Will Be the Death of Me.
10:52
Very clever.
10:52
When you write your books, are you ever under the influence?
10:58
Yes, that's right.
10:58
I like to edit, I like to write, then I like to go back, get a little stoned and then put in some funny stuff and then I like to have sessions where I get really stoned and just write anything, so yes, drugs are a factor or cannabis is a factor.
11:21
I don't even consider it a drug, I consider it a coping mechanism.
11:23
Do you think you're right better under the influence?
11:28
Um, it's a little goes a long way, you don't need to be under the influence for the entire writing of the book, but you can't go in and sprinkle some stoned behavior in within the book, you know, everything to a degree, you know me, moderation, moderation, monitoring.
11:44
John Waters once said, if you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't them.
11:50
Have you ever abided by this rule?
11:53
That's a great rule, but no.
11:57
Probably one I should start abiding by, judging from my track record.
12:01
I mean, I don't know if I know anybody who doesn't have books, at least people have fake books that they pretend to read, so I mean, if somebody really doesn't have books, and that's cause for alarm.
12:09
Have you ever been to a potential lover's home and on the shelf they have your book?
12:15
Well no, that would be a boner-killer unless I was hooking up with a girl, which I really don't do anymore.
12:23
Were you once a correspondent on The Tonight Show?
12:26
I guess so.
12:29
I mean, here's a picture of it, a terrible outfit.
12:32
I know, look at me, I look like a harlot.
12:35
Is it safe to say Jay Leno is your favorite late-night talk show host?
12:43
No.
12:43
You once said that P Diddy was three hours late to be a guest on your show.
12:52
Have you ever been that late to anything?
12:55
Three hours late?
12:55
No, honestly, three hours late, who acts like that?
13:03
I went off on him that day and I feel good about it still.
13:08
Do you hold a grudge against him?
13:10
No, no, of course not.
13:15
You once said that Justin Bieber was the worst guest you've ever had, but that was before your Netflix talk show, so is Justin Bieber still the worst guest you've ever had?
13:33
I don't even remember the interview with Justin Bieber that I said he was the worst.
13:33
No, I mean interviews are usually no, I haven't.
13:33
This, I don't have a good answer for that.
13:33
I can't ever think of a good answer for that or story.
13:33
Best, let's move on to pop culture.
13:33
I would say you have quite a presence on Instagram, would you agree?
13:33
Sure, yes.
13:33
Do you actually make your own posts?
13:33
Mostly, yeah, I make my post.
13:33
I have a social media person, but we I do a lot of stuff on my own and then some of the stuff is done by her.
13:33
Have you ever unfollowed a friend for posting too much?
13:33
I've muted people and yes, I've unfollowed my own friend, but I've muted my own friends, yes.
13:33
And what a great, what a great, um, what's it called option?
13:33
No, what a great feature to be able to mute people and their stories.
14:22
It's perfect because you don't want to unfollow people you're friends with, it hurts people's feelings because people actually look at that, so you'd rather just ignore them.
14:36
Have you ever used face tune on any of your photos?
14:36
No, that is true.
14:36
You follow both Kensington Palace and Kate Middleton's brother on Instagram.
14:45
Would you say you have Royals fever?
14:50
No, no.
14:50
Okay, Middleton's brother is obviously a mistake or maybe I saw it.
14:57
No, maybe that's not a mistake.
14:57
I don't know who that is even.
14:59
So if Prince Harry came up to you at a bar, would you let him buy you a drink?
15:07
Sure.
15:07
What about Prince William?
15:07
Not as much as Prince Harry, but yeah, I guess so.
15:14
I mean, I'm not gonna say no to be getting a drink from one of these guys, I mean, it's the polite thing to do, right?
15:17
I obviously wouldn't stay and hang out with Prince William because he doesn't sound like that much fun, but Harry seems more fun.
15:26
Harry does seem more fun.
15:31
Did you ever encounter Megan Markle when she was just an actress?
15:34
No, I didn't.
15:34
I saw Suits though on a plane once.
15:36
Does that count?
15:40
Did you like her in Suits?
15:40
I mean, it's okay.
15:43
I heard you're creating your own cannabis line.
15:46
That's correct.
15:47
Thank you.
15:47
Have you tried Post Malone's new week?
15:52
Yeah.
15:52
Oh, Post Malone?
15:52
Oh, no, I didn't even know he had a new weed.
15:54
No, that looks like it's gonna be very strongly judging by the metal in his mouth, but you know who might stereotype.
16:56
What about Whoopi's week?
17:02
Oh, I love what Bay, yeah.
17:02
No, I have never tried her weed.
17:02
They're actually I should be tried any celebrity weed?
17:02
Ah, Snoop Dogg.
17:02
Whiz, it does Wiz Khalifa Havas own weed line, I believe so, he should get it cause I wasn't right for three days after that and and and and Willie Nelson's was very strong as well.
17:02
I wasn't able to drive for for 48 hours.
17:02
Have you ever been uncomfortably stoned at a red carpet event?
17:02
I wish the answer was yes.
17:02
I've been uncomfortable, but not stoned.
17:02
So you haven't been stoned at all at red carpet event?
17:02
Oh yeah, I mean a little stone, but not too stoked.
17:02
What about it award shows?
17:02
I don't go to those.
17:02
I'm generally not invited.
17:02
What about while hosting your TV shifts down?
17:05
Probably.
17:05
Have you ever accidentally eaten edible thinking it was a normal snack?
17:12
Yes, I did that this morning.
17:12
I had 250 milligrams of CBD for some thing we were shooting and I still don't feel anything, so I don't know what to make of it.
17:25
At any point during this interview, did you lie and we didn't catch you?
17:37
No, that the truth.
17:33
That's true.
17:37
Nice work.
17:37
Thank you.
17:37
Thank you.