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0:00
Is that a right to eat while we do this?
0:01
Uh, no.
0:08
Has anyone ever told you you look like a Giants fan?
0:04
Has anyone ever died from doing this?
0:08
Is your name Jim Gaffigan?
0:08
Yes.
0:19
Are you a stand-up comedian?
0:19
Yes.
0:19
I'd be sad if I was my fan.
0:27
Do you have the flop sweats right now?
0:31
No, no.
0:31
I just, I always look like I'm sweating, you know what I mean?
0:38
Right.
0:39
Are we all calibrated?
0:39
Yep.
0:39
Let's begin.
0:43
Yes.
0:43
Let's start with your life.
0:43
I've had one, not lately.
0:49
But, see, you've lived in New York City for the past 30 years.
0:59
Is that right?
1:48
I have.
1:54
Would you consider yourself a coastal elite?
1:54
No, I do not.
1:54
Were you the youngest of six children?
1:54
From what I can, yes.
1:54
Would you say that you have youngest child syndrome?
1:54
I don't even know what that is.
1:54
Do you ever feel forgotten among such a big family?
1:54
Oh, I don't think.
1:54
Well, one time there was like a tornado and everyone in my family went to the basement to hide from the tornado and they forgot to wake me up.
1:54
So deceptive.
1:54
Why would I lie about that?
1:54
Am I going to come and lie about a tornado?
1:54
All right.
1:54
I saw it in a movie.
1:54
It doesn't matter.
1:57
I mean, I didn't, it happened in the movie.
2:01
And you have five kids of your own now?
2:03
I do.
2:03
Are you equally close with all of them?
2:08
Yes.
2:12
Do you know how you would rank your kids from least to most favorite?
2:14
Uh, I view them equally.
2:20
So you have five kids?
2:20
I have five kids.
2:25
And your parents had six?
2:28
Yes.
2:28
Does it bother you that your parents were better at having kids than you?
2:31
No, deceptive.
2:41
What I was, but that's ridiculous.
2:46
I'm not competing with my parents.
2:46
They started earlier.
2:55
You graduated from Georgetown with a degree in finance, correct?
2:55
Okay.
2:55
Then as a result of this, are you responsible with your money?
2:59
Yeah, sure.
3:04
So do you own any cryptocurrency?
3:09
Yeah, Bitcoin, yeah, Dogecoin.
3:15
Does that question, I think I broke this.
3:15
Does it matter?
3:19
Now it's fine, go ahead.
3:21
Dogecoin, no.
3:21
Would you say we're about to hit another recession?
3:25
Yes.
3:25
Good to know.
3:28
Yeah.
3:28
Next, let's talk about your career.
3:35
You moved to New York to pursue comedy.
3:39
Not initially, but yes, in the back of my mind, I was thinking that.
3:42
And did David Letterman have a big influence on that?
3:48
I think so.
3:50
Is it true you auditioned for his show for six years before you got on?
3:56
That is true.
3:56
That is true.
3:56
Does that mean you resent David?
4:00
No.
4:05
Did you know that in 2016 you were the most popular comic on Pandora.com?
4:18
I think, I think I had heard that, yes.
4:18
Is there pressure that comes with that title?
4:18
No, I didn't really, I don't think at that point, I didn't even knew what Pandora was.
4:18
Do you think you were the best working comic in 2016?
4:18
No.
4:18
How about now?
4:18
No.
4:18
Do you remember the first joke you ever told?
4:18
Yeah, I think I remember one of my first jokes on stage.
4:46
There's people would ask me, 'Why are you so white? Why are you so white?'
4:59
And I, I'd say, 'Because my father was a Q-tip.'
4:56
That's humorous.
4:59
It's, yeah.
4:59
Was there's the first draft?
5:03
Is there a joke you've been trying to make work for years, but it just won't land?
5:17
I've been trying to make the 'Rust Belt' funny, which has never really worked because I think that it's funny that they, you know, this area of economic devastation that someone decided to give it a cute name like Rust Belt, you know, because there's a lot of rust there.
5:17
It doesn't feel appropriate, you know what I mean, because people are unemployed and maybe give it some more time.
5:17
I don't know if it'll ever work, but I mean, the people there will work, but not the joke.
5:42
You opened for this man, the Pope, last year, is that correct?
5:46
Yes, I think, yeah, I, yeah, at one point, yes.
5:50
Do you think he watched your set from the Popemobile?
5:56
I don't think so.
5:58
I met him.
5:58
I don't think he had any idea who I was.
6:00
There was a guy standing behind him speaking in Italian or Spanish going, 'Comedic Americano!'
6:06
And he just nodded and then I introduced him to my mother-in-law and I won best in-law ever.
6:15
Did you pray before you went onstage?
6:20
No.
6:20
Your wife, yes, is your collaborator and co-writer, is that correct?
6:27
Yes.
6:27
Would you say that she's funnier than you?
6:32
You know, I think she's great.
6:36
Do you two ever take your creative arguments home with you?
6:39
Oh, yeah.
6:39
Darling.
6:45
Do you think she's ever fake laughed at one of your jokes?
7:24
I hope not.
7:24
She's pretty honest, like she'll say, 'That's not funny.'
7:24
I mean, sometimes she'll say, 'That's not funny,' but I'm not even trying to be funny.
7:24
Have you ever fake laughed at one of her jokes?
7:45
No.
8:03
What is that doing?
8:03
It's registering your pulse rate.
8:03
Somewhat.
8:03
What does that register as?
8:03
It's your galvanic skin response.
8:03
See.
8:03
What does that mean?
8:03
Sweating.
8:03
Is that bad or good?
8:03
It depends.
8:03
Yeah.
8:03
Do you ever receive any fan letters?
8:03
Uh, yes.
8:03
Yes.
8:03
Do you write back?
7:45
No.
8:03
I mean, if, no, I don't.
7:45
I used to.
7:59
How about that?
7:59
I've got five kids.
8:03
Someone on Reddit started a thread asking how they could sneak food to you during a show.
8:07
Hmm.
8:07
Is that something fans regularly attempt to do?
8:10
It's waned a little bit.
8:13
A couple specials ago, I had a lot of jokes on donuts, so that led to an influx of donuts.
8:25
Maybe with American Dreamer, I'll get free Uber rides or Lyft rides.
8:37
When people would bring you food, did you eat it?
8:37
Sometimes.
8:37
I mean, are, yes, I did.
8:37
I would, it would be rude not to.
8:37
Do you ever get heckled?
8:37
Not really, no.
8:37
Do you remember the last time you were heckled?
8:37
There, I don't know if I describe it as heckled.
8:37
It was just somebody verbalizing their reaction and I don't think they were intentionally, I don't think they were aware of it.
9:03
So I would say something and they would go, 'Yes.'
9:06
Kind of, and I think they thought that they were doing under their breath, but they were speaking out loud.
9:13
So I don't know if that's a heckle or if that's just human beings are insane.
9:22
Have you ever done anything on stage where looking back you think that was hacky?
9:28
Uh, yeah, I'm sure there's stuff.
9:28
I'm always trying to improve.
9:30
Look, I had jokes about my wife liking pillows on a bed that I wasn't a fan of.
9:35
Now I don't know, it's weird.
9:38
It's like old material.
9:41
I'm not really thrilled about in general.
9:45
Why don't we move on to philosophy?
9:45
Do you think you're stigmatized for being Catholic?
9:53
Possibly.
9:53
There's so many reasons for someone not to be Catholic.
9:57
I don't have any resentment with someone finding it weird.
10:02
If God was a comedian, yeah, do you think he would have a clean act?
10:10
It depends, Older New Testament, you know, I think Old Testament he probably would be pretty edgy.
10:17
I think New Testament, you know, probably he might be much more observational and maybe not necessary to curse.
10:27
Do you really think God forgives everyone?
10:31
I hope so, yeah.
10:31
I mean, you know, like Dahmer.
10:36
I don't know.
10:36
I mean, I don't know about that, yeah.
10:39
You know, like Hitler.
10:40
He's like, like Jesus, like, you know, I know I said everyone.
10:43
That, yeah.
10:46
Should people be automatically granted mercy if they apologize?
10:49
It's not for me to decide.
10:54
I just like a scenario where I'm forgiven.
10:59
So would you say you're a better Catholic than this man, Stephen Colbert?
11:04
No, he's, he's obviously a better Catholic and smarter and other stuff, but I had more comedy specials than you.
11:17
You don't curse in your standup, right?
11:17
I sure don't.
11:17
So I guess the same doesn't go for your real life, all right?
11:17
Do you think perfection is ever attainable?
11:17
Obviously no, but when you're as good-looking as me, you try to make other aspects of your life achieve your looks.
11:17
Do you think you've ever written a perfect joke?
11:17
No, because I think comedy and humor are similar to liberty.
11:17
It's all kind of moving and the context is changing, so what's funny today might be funny in a different way tomorrow.
11:17
That's the truth.
11:17
He's telling the truth.
11:17
Now let's talk about pop culture.
12:11
Do you have 3 million followers on Twitter?
12:17
Yeah.
12:17
Does that make you feel validated?
12:21
Now when I see how many followers other people have, but I appreciate it.
12:24
I don't know, am I doing this right?
12:28
I'm not sure.
12:28
You feel validated?
12:28
No.
12:28
Has a troll ever made you cry?
12:32
No, but I, I don't really cry because I don't really have human emotions.
12:39
Would you consider yourself meme literate?
12:43
No.
12:43
If you had to take a shot at it, why don't you meme-ify this photo?
12:59
Oh, I would say, 'Gotta get home before I wet my pants.'
12:59
Not bad.
12:59
How about this one?
12:59
When the fat guy tries to be cute.
12:59
Sounds like you are meme literate.
13:26
I think I, I think I figured it out.
13:54
My hands are very sweaty.
13:54
Or what's the word you're using?
13:54
It's galvanic skin response.
13:54
You're not that smart, settle down.
13:54
Be honest, have you ever taken a BuzzFeed quiz?
13:54
I think I have.
14:11
I think I have.
14:25
So do you know which Disney princess you are?
14:25
Well, I think everyone does.
14:25
Which one are you?
14:25
I'm the one from Scotland.
14:25
Would you, you know what's her name, call yourself a man?
14:25
I did the Jane the Virgin thing, what character am I in Jane the Virgin and I think I was Julio.
14:25
I don't know what that means.
14:25
You're an avid foodie by you know, I eat a lot.
14:25
Yeah.
14:25
So if you're making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, yes, peanut butter and jelly go in the same slice?
14:25
I would say no.
14:25
There might be, no, I don't think so.
14:25
I think the one on each side.
14:21
Let's put this debate to rest, does pineapple ever go on pizza?
14:25
Of course not.
14:28
It does not.
14:28
It does not.
14:28
100% trim.
14:28
That's obviously, look at us, we know.
14:32
When people put pineapple on pizza, in a way, they're, they're killing America.
14:47
Are hot pockets technically just big raviolis?
14:44
Yes, they're also pierogies and empanadas and those hot apple pies that they used to sell at McDonald's.
14:55
I don't know if they sell them anymore, do they?
14:55
No, no, they were found to be too hot.
15:01
Do people ever just yell 'Hot Pocket' at you on the street?
15:01
Yes, they do.
15:04
More often than monthly?
15:04
Much more than monthly.
15:07
Do you regret making that joke?
15:24
Absolutely.
15:33
I, well, I mean, it's a blessing and a curse.
15:33
Final question, yeah, at any point during this interview did you lie and we didn't catch you?
15:33
Absolutely.
15:24
Yeah.
15:24
So you're clean but not quite honest.
15:28
Sure.
15:28
Yeah, I mean, yeah.
15:28
You didn't know this, but Lou and I used to be lovers.
15:38
We go way back.
15:42
Is that true?
15:42
That is not true.
15:42
What is the machine saying though?
15:46
Disregard the machine.
15:48
Okay.