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0:03
Okay, there is no other way I'd rather be spending my Sunday than asking Michelle Wolf seventy-three questions.
0:10
Oh good, right, let's do this.
0:10
How do you feel about me arranging this interview on a Sunday?
0:10
Well, I was gonna have to work on my new show anyway, so might as well do this too.
0:10
And that's why we're here at this nondescript building at Hell's Kitchen.
0:10
Yes, in my beautiful new home.
0:10
Let's check it out.
0:10
So Michelle, besides this interview, what is the best part about your day today?
0:10
I mean, these sneakers are pretty great.
0:10
And can you give your fans a taste of what the show's about?
0:33
It's called 'The Break,' and it's on implants and it's gonna be the courts and lots of fun.
0:38
Okay, how is it different than all those other shows?
0:38
Um, I would say more jokes, less commercial.
0:38
Fair enough.
0:38
Now, what's the secret to comedy?
0:38
Honesty, originality, in person.
0:38
Love it, John.
0:38
I'm gonna show these guys the studio.
0:38
Absolutely.
0:38
Just give me to me.
0:38
Thank you.
0:38
What's your best quality, Michelle?
0:38
Mmm, family, but I'm never satisfied.
0:38
What's your worst trait?
0:38
Probably that I'm never satisfied.
0:38
I heard a rumor you're shy, is this true?
0:38
What, me?
0:38
What are you doing if you weren't doing comedy?
1:06
Well, when I was five, I wanted to be a bulldozer lady, so whatever that is.
1:11
What's the hardest thing that you've ever done?
1:13
Uh, well then what's Wilson's?
1:16
Oh sorry, I didn't.
1:16
Who's the hardest thing you've ever showed?
1:22
Michelle, please keep it clean.
1:22
So this is my workout for the day.
1:22
Did I hear that you ran an ultra marathon recently?
1:22
I did 50 miles.
1:22
Impressive.
1:39
What's the most interesting thing about running a 50-mile ultra marathon?
1:45
Oh brother, you don't understand it unless you do one, but also there's a ton of bananas.
1:45
And that is not as agile as me, too.
1:45
What's the most interesting thing about how life changes when you're famous?
1:45
Wait, more in sunglasses, even when it rains.
1:45
Here, Josh, thanks.
1:45
What are those drafts?
1:45
Oh, new jokes.
1:45
Very sweet.
1:55
So cool.
2:01
Welcome to my office.
2:01
You can tell it's mine because there's a sign on the door that says so.
2:01
And this is a really nice office.
2:01
Thank you.
2:01
Yeah, it's great, a lot of people, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, come on.
2:04
So can you describe for me your creative process when you have to write a bunch of episodes?
2:11
Well, you write main jokes as you can and then you try to beat those jokes.
2:11
And what makes a perfect joke?
2:11
I think something you didn't know you wanted to hear.
2:11
Mmm, when you first start telling jokes.
2:11
Now me, when I was little trying to impress my brothers and then I did it, and then they like punched me something.
2:11
Now what do you hate about comedy right at this moment?
2:11
Laughter and pandering.
2:11
What's the coolest thing on your desk?
2:35
Well, clearly I take a lot of beverages, but these two are my favorites.
2:38
My nephew has painted them.
2:41
Wow, artistic?
2:41
Yeah, until you realize they're both 39.
2:44
All right, now it has been 22 days since the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
2:50
I'm sure you're very familiar with it.
2:52
How does this experience feel in hindsight?
2:54
Great, I was maybe tonight.
2:57
And what was your favorite joke?
2:59
I liked all of them, but my favorites were the ones that I actually cut, and now they're involved.
3:04
How can I see those someday?
3:06
Wait, what was your first reaction when you learned the president would not be in attendance?
3:13
Mm-hmm, why did busy.
3:13
How do you describe telling jokes to people's faces like that?
3:23
So much more fun, you can feel them be mad.
3:21
Michelle, would you ever do that experience?
3:23
I'm very good.
3:23
Will anyone ever do it again?
3:26
Good question.
3:26
Okay, so what are you completely done talking about now?
3:31
The Correspondents' Dinner.
3:31
Yes, you are.
3:36
If your life were a hashtag, what would it be?
3:36
Um, nice tag, The Break, Netflix.
3:39
Okay, Michelle, can you have your assistant here ask a question?
3:40
I like that.
3:42
Can you please ask me a question?
3:43
Would you like some coffee?
3:48
Yes, Michelle, how would you describe yourself in three nouns?
3:48
Hmm, bad grammar.
3:51
How would your peers describe you in three adjectives?
3:54
Wow, like only for the love of God, you're so loud.
3:57
Yes, please.
4:01
Thank you.
4:01
What's the funniest thing in the world to you?
4:03
Um, I love those cats who wear like pirate costumes.
4:05
It makes it look like they're walking on their legs with their arms flailing.
4:09
What's your best accent?
4:12
Thanks, um, whatever this weird Central Pennsylvania twang I have is.
4:17
Okay, what's your worst accent?
4:19
Literally the rest of them, but probably Australia's probably the one who did put those shrimp on the Barbie.
4:26
Oh wait, actually that was so good, you thought you were down under, didn't you?
4:31
Amazing.
4:31
I thought I was there.
4:31
This is me.
4:33
Okay, when were you most starstruck?
4:36
Um, the other day I literally almost ran into Oprah.
4:39
Like I turned a corner in my head, her boobs, it was almost a whole fake.
4:43
Who would you love to have a beer with?
4:45
Queen Elizabeth the First.
4:48
What, not only does she have right here, she's also always been single and she like ruled the whole world, she's pretty amazing.
4:54
Okay, this is a random one, but who would you drive past even if they were stranded on a desert highway?
4:59
I would say any man I don't know personally and a lot of the men I do.
5:05
Okay, so I noticed that you have some press over here.
5:07
What's the nicest thing that anyone's ever said?
5:10
I mean, Letterman complimented me, which was super cool.
5:13
All right, do you pay attention to critics?
5:19
Only the one in my head, which is way worse than anything anyone can say about me.
5:22
How would you describe your comedy?
5:24
Stop.
5:24
Ah, fully jokes.
5:24
Okay, where's the best place in the world to do stand-up?
5:27
The Comedy Cellar, of course.
5:33
Favorite city to perform in?
5:30
I live in New York, either San Francisco, Denver, or Madison, Wisconsin.
5:36
Madison is so beautiful, but you've got to pace yourself on the chief.
5:42
Who is the most underrated comic right now?
5:42
Joe List.
5:42
And what should aspiring comedians avoid in their career?
5:45
Thank you very well, being lazy.
5:51
All right, ladies and gentlemen, this is a look at this play, the show both has arrived.
5:51
Amazing.
5:55
How does it feel?
5:55
Overwhelmingly great, amazing.
5:58
Can I take a shot of you right behind your desk?
6:00
Yeah, perfect.
6:00
Okay, now from working on other shows, what lessons have helped prep you for your own?
6:04
Um, never at all.
6:07
This is gonna be a good shot, here we go.
6:09
Say something on three, one, two, three, smokey eye.
6:13
Well, it's maybe the most proud, um, HBO special, yeah.
6:16
Your HBO special was called 'A Nice Lady.'
6:19
Do you consider yourself to be a nice lady?
6:21
Not at all.
6:23
Now you had a character called Grown-up Annie, where is she now?
6:27
Oh, she's a member of Trump's cabinet, um, she's actually the most qualified person in the works there.
6:31
What's the difference between Michelle Wolf the performer and Michelle Wolf the person?
6:35
We're pretty much the same.
6:37
I started all my conversations, well, you guys hear about this, my friends hate me.
6:40
What do you hope for yourself five years from now?
6:43
To be better than I am now.
6:46
What do you hope for America five years?
6:49
Someone else to be less racist, come on guys, try, let go a little.
7:06
What does it mean to be an American today?
7:14
I'm always having to say, I am so sorry about that.
7:14
Oh, I'm so sorry.
7:14
What does it mean to be a woman today?
7:14
Conflicting.
7:14
Why do you post a picture of your naked butt or do you become a scientist?
7:14
Can you do both of those things?
7:14
Are we even allowed to discuss this?
7:14
What does it mean to be an American female comedian?
7:14
I mean, for me, pretty great.
7:14
Yeah, this worked out well for you.
7:14
Okay, now you've worked in biochemistry, can you tell me something biochemical that I most likely will not understand?
7:19
Okay, get ready, it's exciting.
7:21
Did you know that molecular dynamics can be used to study proteins, enzymes, and kinases?
7:30
Oh my God, the more you know.
7:30
Now you worked on Wall Street, mm, can you give me a metaphor for working on Wall Street in circa 2008?
7:30
Yeah, it's like being a violin player on the deck of the Titanic and then get rescued by a carnival cruise ship that was paid for by taxpayers.
7:30
Oh, that.
7:30
Now it's time to wind down this interview, Michelle.
7:30
What's a video in the past week that you've not been able to stop watching?
7:30
Sydney McLaughlin winning the 400-meter hurdles, the SCC's, you guys, she's a phenom.
7:53
Now if you look into your imaginary audience, who's the one person that you'd love to see the most?
7:59
Oh my God, if there is a bunch of otters holding hands, I would lose it.
8:03
Who's your musical sidekick for your show?
8:08
Oh, we got DJ Jersey, he's one of the best DJs in all New Jersey.
8:08
What's the song you're most likely going to be walking out to?
8:08
Something upbeat and fun and sort of hip-hop that's probably way too cool for me.
8:17
What three people would you invite to a dinner party, dead or alive?
8:22
Well, Queen Elizabeth the First, cuz I already brought her back and chose to have any other friends, Carol Burnett and Ina Garten.
8:26
How do you know when you nail the performance?
8:26
When Dennis Miller gives you notice about it.
8:26
All right, and last question I have for you is, what is your favorite punch line?
8:26
No dice, crow man.
8:26
If that concludes our interview, Michelle, well, you can't conclude an interview without going through.
8:26
Oh no, I can't.